I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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