A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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