My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
