I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
