I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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