Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
