john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
