Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
