i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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