Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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