Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
