I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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