I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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