the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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