fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you had me at cake vodka
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
