my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
