I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
