The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
