It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize