...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
