Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have fence marks all over my body
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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