when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
