She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
