A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
