all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Are my feet made of real feet?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
