I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
