shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
