my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
