i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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