So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
