Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
50% drunk capacity currently
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
