I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
