My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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