There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
