At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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