I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
