You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
