I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well I just put wine in my tea
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
