Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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