I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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