I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
