i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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