Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
