we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
