the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
