can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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