you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
