Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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