then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Be still, my beating vagina.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
