Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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