I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
