Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize