No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
