i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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