She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
