Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
