Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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