Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
