Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
