My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
